Authentic-Love & Forgiveness

INTRODUCTION

Learning to forgive...the seventh characteristic of authentic love...the gift that brings inner peace and freedom, that repairs broken bridges in our mid-life interpersonal relationships – whether they are to be matrimonial, with siblings,parents-children related, among relatives and friends or whether they are colleague-related.

Forgiveness, a psychological and a spiritual process that disciplines our personal ego – whether or not you have committed the offence or not; it’s a journey towards reconciliation - whenever reconciliation is possible, but mostly into bringing inner peace and freedom, as you will soon discover.

To forgive is to repair a broken bridge between your offender and yourself in order to avoid isolation. It's an important step in your mid-life journey instigating harmony in your relationships.

Forgiveness isn't just a ritual for Christians as more and more psychologists, matrimonial counsellors promotes the need for forgiveness in our relationships.

The subject of this encounter will be divided into two important categories identified under the following themes:

A) Show me how to forgive my offender

B) As an offender, show me how to ask forgiveness, without feeling humiliated. I will discuss this second category in my next encounter.

In both situations there are stages of discernment and preparation that I will elaborate to help reach these two goals.

I’ve inspired myself of the writings of Psychologist Jean Mombourquette, of Pastor Gary Chapman and Sister Marie-Thérèse Nadeau to prepare this encounter – three authors that I highly recommend.

Definition:

Describing forgiveness is challenging; the interpretations we make of this characteristic of love as we find its definition based on everyone's personal experience.

No matter the experience, forgiveness is an act of good will that implicates both the spiritual and the psycho-therapeutic elements of healing.

There are important prerequisites most necessary, in order to bring to full achievement this inner-self inspection- journey or, spiritually speaking, inner-pilgrimage. Don't feel discouraged if you feel unable to forgive someone on the spot of the moment, it doesn't mean that you are unable to do so. Just like the bereavement journey, there are stages of personal growth.

Forgiveness is an invitation of love towards the worthless for the purpose of inner-freedom. How well do you forgive? Take a minute and read this poem translated in English from the French that I translate to be When my heart refuses to forgive... and to be found in Jean Mombourquette,PH.D.’s book entitled: Comment pardonner?

When my heart refused to forgive...

My heart is bitter and battling;

he promises never to love.

For his sake, and for him to heal,

I beg him to forgive;

He remains cold, silent, non available.

I exposed my heart to the sun’s caresses,

like I would do so for a frail and chilly plant.

I watered my heart with the fine tenderness

That brings the rain and with warm presence.

Just like I would for the feverish and pouting child,

I rocked him, I comforted him

And I told him stories about passed loving moments.

My heart wants to believe again;

Frightened and shy, he slowly opens.

He hesitates between the desire to love again

And the need to protect his wounded pride.

He now feels his pain and he cries;

He’s been ashamed; he’s humiliated.

His suffering is the only path

that can lead him to forgive and to be forgiven.

Is there any other path?

WHEN IS FORGIVENESS NEEDED?

“Humans are truly free – free to love, free to hate and because of this freedom, people sometimes make wrong decisions and walk in the wrong direction. When they do, they hurt themselves and those around them. Forgiveness is necessary in human relationships because our freedom almost always takes a self-centred path. Our default mode is what is best for me. We make decisions for our own good event at the expense of others.” Gary Chapman

Forgiveness is given in a situation where there is a justified offence against another person. If you've been given a fine for speeding or for drinking & driving; if you failed an exam because of your lack of study or non-attendance in class; if your boss catches you for always been late at work; the consequences are soon or later to be expected; there’s no forgiveness to be receive or to give here. On the other hand, justice is not the only solution to all offences.

According to Gary Chapman, “To live is to have the potential of hurting others and being hurt. Without forgiveness, we are left only with justice when wrong is done. If justice were ruled out today to everyone, most of the populace would end up in prison.”

In more intimate relationships a thousand and one frustrating or contradicting incidents happens for all kinds of silly reasons...we repress those frustrations when in reality the answer should be found in our ability to practice

communication

There could be some situations that can become irritating when constantly repeated. Forgiveness is needed when treason, lack of loyalty and commitment between partners or friends hurts the relationship; when people are treated with sarcasm, with mockery; when people are hurt through acts of violence, acts of sexual abuse, with acts of psychological or verbal aggressiveness, or any other form of offensive behaviour.

there’s a breach in the relationship, a broken bridge, a serious hurt. More than often, these offences awakens repressed hurting scars and creates more of them in our personality (the shadow); in these cases healing is requested.

As you can see from the examples illustrated above, an offence must be intentional. The offender wants to hurt the relationship by using: action, omission, breach of promise, lying or using judgments, through gossiping or blackmailing, spreading ironic rumours, through humiliation or even by being cruel. The victim’s self image is injured with either guilt if they are introverted and feel unable to reply to the offender, or with the intention of revenge or attacks, whether physical or psychological, if the victim is extroverted.

FORGIVENESS,(meaning to give over and above), is challenging; it requires courage and good will; it isn’t done spontaneously. Our primary reaction consists of returning evil for evil – we are prone to revenge – an instinct we must overcome.

Forgiveness calls both parties (offender and offended) to reach the best of themselves. Forgiveness is a risk, but a necessary one, because we have no control over someone's freedom. It’s a chance we take in order to continue living. The offender not only hurts others but also hurts himself as he cut himself out of a relationship – and depending on the degree of the offence - he also cut himself out of his community.

A world without forgiveness is unhealthy. Anger, fear and aggressiveness, guilt etc...is considered destructive energy that can impact our physical and/or psychological health, not to mention our rapports with our surroundings. In a world without forgiveness, there’s no end to evilness and to violence.

War begins in the heart of a human being. You will discover that through forgiveness (forgiveness requires a psychological effort with the assistance of the All Mighty's grace)the offender is granted a chance for a new beginning, a chance to live again...otherwise consider yourself living in constant bitterness, anger with part of your inner self that is damaged by the evil behaviour of your offender.

“Can the increase of suicide in our society may be correlated to lack of forgiveness? In a true living-experience of forgiveness the offender learns that he’s not the rooting source of his life – but on the contrary it’s been given – for give as the one-to-be-forgiven. Life begins to manifest itself in the offender having been forgiven as he’s free from the weight of his past and can confront the future without anxiety. Refusing to forgive, and to revenge is to say to your offender: You are not free to exist.’’

For all the reasons above, forgiveness requires a great deal of maturity. Having to forgive does not take away the offender’s responsibilities. We might have to make reproaches, to educate – but using the right intonation to make sure it isn’t interpreted as revenge or a rule of justice to be earned is the secret in touching the offender’s heart.

On the other hand, the offender must acknowledge his responsibility, must not lock himself in a non-forgivable past to the extent of being unable to open up about it. In his situation; it’s necessary that he must bring himself in front of the offended with courage, and must ask for forgiveness. Again, and I repeat, the offender must be ready to accept the responsibility of his behaviour and to repair.

Finally, the offender must learn to be merciful towards himself – whom is human – and to forgive himself. We can spend time elaborating on this subject, but space is running out and I will now elaborate on the twelve steps to forgiveness. I will elaborate ten of these twelve steps in this first encounter.

There are two sides to forgiveness:

a) the forgiveness we must give

b) the forgiveness we must receive from people we have offended.

Whether we like it or not, we are all offenders at one time or another. In both situations, there are steps that we can follow that will help us in this most difficult journey of authentic love.

Before we elaborate on these steps, it’s important to discern faulty requests of forgiveness. Just like in any other situations, low self esteem related concerns with or misinterpretations of offences can get in the way.

A)Faulty requests of forgiveness:

For just about anything ex.: accidentally stepping on someone’s foot or for interrupting someone in a conversation. In those situations there’s no offence; there’s no intentional hurt made to anyone; you simply excuse yourself politely; you don’t ask for forgiveness.

For non intentional mistakes causing uneasy feelings to others without malicious intentions. We have no power on other people’s feelings. There’s no offence there.

Asking forgiveness on behalf of somebody else. We don’t forgive on behalf of someone for his offence. We don’t take someone else’s responsibility for his offence, emotions as we have no power on other people’s inner life condition.

B)Superficial requests of forgiveness

Forgiveness requested rapidly without regret or guilt, simply for the purpose of moving on. We want to find peace A.S.A.P. without effort or analysis of the situation. Ex.: Children will request an apology to avoid embarrassing questions on behalf of parents. Politician’s will apologies this way to regain voters’ trust and be re-elected.

Blackmailing forgiveness – particularly in situations of infidelity where the offender as opened up about the truth with transparency and now requests the forgiveness of the partner to be levied from the feeling of guilt.

Forgiveness is not imposed – you must respect the other person’s choice of accepting, delaying or either refusing his forgiveness.

Compulsive requests of forgiveness –

Anxiety is the source of this compulsiveness. These people constantly request forgiveness to reduce their level of anxiety. These people will often request forgiveness and put themselves down. The intention behind forgiveness consists not of humiliating yourself, but in recognizing your offence with humility and regret.

Conditional requests of forgiveness engenders lack of conviction, and confusion...those situations will create more disappointment and anger towards the victim. ex. “I am willing to admit my mistakes; you must be willing to accept yours”.

Forgiveness is not an I.O.U.;it is an act of gratuity that cannot be imposed upon others. The healing stages leading to forgiveness (according to Jean Mombourquette)

1. You must make the decision never to revenge and you must choose to put an end to any offensive behaviour that could be done.

This is particularly important if the offence is life threatening, humiliating or if the offender wants to make you feel excessive guilt. Your first responsibility is to protect yourself; it’s your right. In situations where you must have recourse to justice – (any form of abuse, violence towards you or your siblings, in situations where children are endangered: ex. Drug or alcohol addictions or any other dysfunctional related behaviour such as anorexia...Treatment and security is requested. Here’s an example.